


I Thought I'd Lost My Heart (But I Found It Still Inside)

by AllThoseOtherWorlds



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Aromantic, Aromantic Character, Aromantic Julian Bashir, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, Genetic enhancement is mentioned, He's also grey-ace but I don't talk about it much, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-23 05:26:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6106333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllThoseOtherWorlds/pseuds/AllThoseOtherWorlds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Julian knew that he felt differently about relationships than everybody else, but just assumed that it was a side-effect of being genetically enhanced, and tried to keep it a secret to preserve his position in Starfleet. It didn't occur to him that he might not be alone until he heard a new word one night over dinner:</p><p>Aromantic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Thought I'd Lost My Heart (But I Found It Still Inside)

**Author's Note:**

> It's finally finished! I've had this idea for a while now but only just finished it recently.
> 
> The idea for this story came from this post I made on Tumblr:  
> http://allthoseotherworlds.tumblr.com/post/114359157394/new-headcanon
> 
> **Comments and constructive criticism are appreciated. If you didn't like something, I'd love to know what it is so I can improve on it.**

“How was your date?”

“Hmm?” Julian turned away from the cell samples he was examining and met Jadzia’s friendly gaze. “It was alright, I suppose.”

“Just alright?”

 _Guess that wasn_ _’t the right reaction,_ he thought. “Well, it wasn’t _bad_ ,” he said. “Just not spectacular, you know.”

“Well, at least it wasn’t terrible,” she said. “Are you going on another one?”

“I don’t think so,” he replied. “We decided that it probably wouldn’t work out.”

Actually, she’d suggested that it probably wasn’t going to work out and Julian had taken the out given to him. He hadn’t been really interested in going on the date to begin with, but he certainly wasn’t telling that to Jadzia. As far as anyone knew, he was _normal_ and had _romantic interests_.

Jadzia made a sympathetic noise. “Oh well,” she said. “Maybe it’ll work out next time.”

“Yeah,” he said, trying to sound as though he cared.

“So, what are you working on?” she asked, peering over his shoulder at the cell samples.

“It’s an experiment I’ve been running in my free time,” he told her, launching into a detailed explanation of the project, which was much more interesting than his love life. Jadzia nodded along and asked questions when the combined knowledge of her current and past lives wasn’t quite enough. He wasn’t sure if any of her previous lives had medical experience, but even if they had he knew that the field had changed and advanced in the intervening years.

After about ten minutes of conversation, she got a call on her commbadge to return to duty. She sighed and smiled at him before getting up.

“Well, it was nice talking to you, Julian,” she said. “I hope your next date goes better than your last one”

“Thanks,” he said. “See you tonight at dinner?”

“Of course,” Jadzia replied over her shoulder. “See you!”

 The senior staff met weekly for dinner, usually hosted in Captain Sisko’s quarters, since he was the best of them all at preparing food. Julian was the first to admit that he was a bit of a “picky eater” but Sisko’s cooking was always excellent. Except perhaps the beets, but that was hardly the Captain’s fault. Beets were pretty much unsalvageable.

Julian sighed with relief as Jadzia left, though he felt a bit guilty for doing so. Jadzia was great and he loved spending time with her, particularly now that he wasn’t pretending to have a crush on her, but - well, that was the problem, wasn’t it?

He’d been a teenager when he first realized that he was different - in more ways than just the usual difference of being slightly ahead of his peers and yet somehow alienated from them. People at school spoke of crushes and romance and relationships and sex, and at first he’d just assumed they were trying to mimic adults, that it was all some elaborate scheme that nobody really believed. He’d even played along a little, trying to fit in, but he never really _felt_ any of it. Sure, he wanted to be close to people, and maybe there’d been a few times when he’d _almost_ understood, but it had never quite clicked for him, somehow.

Then, when he was fifteen, he discovered the truth about his genetics, and suddenly it made sense. All the medical journals mentioned risks - not this specifically, to be sure, but there were lots of ways genetic enhancements could go wrong, especially since they were illegal. Whatever was wrong with him, whatever made it so that he didn’t feel like his peers did, had to have come from the illegal enhancements.

He kept it a secret, of course - it was illegal and so was he, and any abnormality could be dangerous if discovered. In the end, it wasn’t even really that _hard_ to pretend he wanted those things - the romances and the sex and the normality. All he had to do was watch the people around him and make sure to pretend to fall in love every once in a while. He was naturally awkward and too enthusiastic about the wrong things, and relationships never really worked out, but there were lots of people for whom such things never worked out, so it wasn’t suspicious.

As long as he pretended to be normal, he was safe, but it was exhausting and sometimes he wished-

But it didn’t matter. He couldn’t risk it.

———

“Excellent food, as always, Benjamin,” Jadzia said as she put down her fork.

“I do my best,” the Captain replied, smiling.

There was silence for a moment, as everyone relaxed and enjoyed the evening’s meal.

“So, anything interesting been happening lately?” Miles asked after a few minutes, seemingly to break the now slightly-uncomfortable pause. “Other than the refit of the warp calibration system on the Defiant, that is.”

“I’ve been making some progress with my research,” Julian offered. “I’m trying to isolate the gene responsible for the Sekellian flu immunity found in some individuals living on Telik III.”

“That sounds fascinating, Doctor,” Sisko said. “Unfortunately, I’m sure I wouldn’t understand a word of it.” He smiled as he said it, and Julian nodded, taking the hint. “Well, that’s all for me then,” he said. “Unless anyone wants to hear Garak’s opinion on _Tales of a Darkened Window_.”

“That’s a Vulcan novel, isn’t it?” Jadzia asked. “I thought you two mostly read Earth or Cardassian literature.”

“We do,” Julian said. “But we decided try something neither of us were familiar with this time. It’s an interesting book - have you read it?”

“Not personally,” Jadzia admitted. “But I dated someone who was writing a thesis on it for a while.” She smiled. “It didn’t work out - she turned out to be aromantic and decided she didn’t want a romantic relationship - but we still talk sometimes.”

 _Aromantic?_ Julian had never heard that word before. He could guess at the meaning from its apparent linguistic roots, but that almost made him more afraid to ask. What if it made him stand out? Drew attention? He didn’t want to risk it. He could always look it up on his own sometime anyway-

“Aromantic?” Kira asked. Julian breathed a sigh of relief, glad someone else had asked.

“It’s a romantic orientation,” Jadzia explained. “Like being attracted to men or women or some other gender, except that aromantic people don’t feel romantic attraction at all. There are some other related terms, too, I think,” she added. “Sadie just identified as aromantic, though, so I don’t remember what the other terms are.”

“We didn’t really have much time for romance in the resistance,” Kira said. “It’s nice to have now, though.” She frowned. “We didn’t have much time for identity labels, either.”

“Apparently the term originated on Earth,” Jadzia said. “There are similar concepts on other worlds, of course, but the Earth term has caught on in the Federation.”

“I’ve never heard it before,” Julian said, and then immediately cursed himself for talking. It seemed he would never actually learn when to just _shut the hell up,_ but it was too late now.

Thankfully, nobody seemed too concerned at his statement. “I hadn’t either,” the Captain told him. “I guess there are some areas Starfleet Academy doesn’t really cover.”

“Yeah,” Julian nodded, mind whirring in the background as he considered the new information he’d been given. There was a word for this, so other people experienced it too, and Jadzia hadn’t said anything about genetic enhancement. Maybe the two weren’t related, and he should have been looking at social groups and identities instead of medical textbooks and reports of genetic enhancement gone wrong. He didn’t want to have too much hope, lest it be taken away, but he couldn’t help himself.

This changed _everything._

The rest of the evening passed in a blur, Julian paying enough attention to act interested and normal and as though his world hadn’t just been completely reinvented. As soon as other people started leaving, he excused himself and headed to his quarters to do more research. Now that he knew what he was looking for, information was much easier to find. It was still hidden mostly in the corners of the databases and discussions, but it was there.

 _Aromantic. Grey-romantic. Demi-romantic. Quoiromantic_. There were so many new words, and he wasn’t sure what to make of them all. He’d spent so long thinking that this was just something wrong with him, some secret he had to hide like he hid his reflexes and processing speed and hearing, that he wasn’t quite sure what to do with the knowledge that this was okay.

As he kept doing research, he learned more and more about the things he’d never been taught. Things like the difference between sexual attraction (which he found unpredictable and mostly irrelevant to his sexual desire) and romantic attraction (which he was pretty certain he didn’t feel at all) and platonic attraction (which he definitely experienced in copious quantities, mostly towards Jadzia and Garak and Miles).

He wasn’t really sure what to do with the new words he had for himself. There was certainly a large part of him that wanted to just go up to everyone and say “Hey, did you know I’m _grey-asexual_ and _aromantic_ and there’s this whole _subculture_ of people out there who know about and discuss this stuff?” and then launch into a long-winded lecture on everything he’d recently learned.

On the other hand, he’d spent his whole life trying to avoid drawing attention to these things, and the urge to hide was pretty strong - it was a survival skill, after all, and one he still had to employ to keep his genetics secret. In the end, he resolved to restrain himself from shouting it off the metaphorical rooftops, but he wasn’t going to hide it anymore either. _Maybe next time romance comes up in a conversation,_ he decided. _I_ _’ll bring it up then_.

In the meantime, it was enough to have these words for himself, without sharing them. They could be just his for now, while he waited for the right moment to reveal just a little more of who he was.

He smiled at the PADD he was using for research. This wasn’t _quite_ as exciting as his research on Sekellian flu, but it came pretty damn close.

———

“Ah, Jadzia,” Julian greeted her as she entered the infirmary. “What brings you here today?”

“Just a sore neck,” she said, wincing a little. “I think I spent too much time looking over those scans we took of that nebula in the Gamma quadrant.”

“I can give you a hypospray for the pain,” he told her, approaching her with said hypospray. “But you should be careful not to put too much stress on it or it’ll just come back.”

Jadzia nodded, then winced again at the movement. “I’ll keep that in mind,” she said. He administered the hypospray and she sighed with relief as it kicked in, looking around the infirmary. “Slow day today?” she asked, gesturing at the room which only contained the two of them. “You usually have a nurse on staff.”

“Nurse Jabara is in the back room, testing some samples for her research,” he told her. “It has been slow today, but that’s good if you’re a doctor.”

“Good point,” she said. “Oh, by the way, a friend of mine is transferring here from the _Promise,_ and I told her I’d show her around the station. You wouldn’t be interested in joining us, would you?”

“I’d be happy to help,” he said, before he noticed the gleam in Jadzia’s eyes. “Hold on. You aren’t planning to set us up, are you?”

“Well…” She said, grinning. “That last date didn’t work out, and you haven’t seen anyone since. Dasee is nice, and I thought you two might get along.”

Julian sighed, but smiled a little at her enthusiasm. “Actually, I’m not looking for another date right now,” he said. “I, um.” He’d been planning this, telling himself he’d say it the next time something like this happened, but it was still a little intimidating. “I’m aromantic.”

He probably could have led up to that a little better, but it was too late now. Jadzia was frowning a little, but her voice was more confused than upset.

“Wait, really?” she asked. “Okay. I’ll stop trying to set you up with people, then.”

“Thanks,” he smiled. “I didn’t know there was a word for it until you mentioned your friend Sadie, so thanks for that.”

“Always happy to accidentally give you an epiphany,” she said. “If you don’t mind my asking - why all the crushes and dating before this? You always seemed so head over heels.”

He rubbed the back of his neck, wincing a little. “I didn’t realize there were other people like me,” he told her. “So I tried to act like everyone else did.” It wasn’t the whole truth, but it was close enough to it that it wasn’t lying, either, and it was believable enough that it wouldn’t be questioned. Kind of like most of his life, actually. “And some of the enthusiasm was genuine,” he admitted sheepishly. “It wasn’t romantic, but I definitely wanted to get to know you better when we first met. You seemed to enjoy the flirting, and it was kind of fun, when I didn’t think anything romantic would come out of it. I hope you don’t mind,” he added.

She smiled. “You’re right,” she said. “It was fun, if a little much at times. But you knew when to back off, and we’re friends now, so you did get to know me better, in the end.”

“I did,” he said. “Thank you, Jadzia. For putting up with me when we first met, for bringing up aromanticism, for-” he broke off, gestured between them and at the room in general, the station spinning slowly in space. “For everything.”

“Thank you for keeping life interesting,” she said. “Now, would you be interested in helping to show Dasee around anyway? I really do think you two would get along.”

“I’d love to,” he told her. “When did you have in mind?”

“She doesn’t get in until 2500 hours, eight days from now,” Jadzia told him. “So we thought that we’d meet at 1800 hours the next day.”

“That sounds good to me,” he said, smiling. “Where did you want me to meet you?”

“How does outside the replimat sound? It’s pretty central.”

“That works,” he said. “I look forwa- oh, excuse me,” he broke off as one of the Bajorans working in engineering came in with what looked like a plasma burn.

“See you then!” Jadzia called as she left, but Julian was already focused on his patient.

———

“Ah, Miles,” Julian said, smiling as his friend joined him at the dartboard. “How are you doing this evening?”

“Well, the secondary plasma relay on the _Defiant_ is still acting up,” he said, gathering his share of the darts. “But it should be fixed tomorrow.”

Julian nodded. “That’s good,” he said. “Do try to keep Jeyid away from the plasma vents for a few days? He should be recovered enough to work now, and I did tell him to be careful, but if he gets another plasma burn in the next week or so it could be worse than the last one.”

“I’ll get him to do some recalibration then,” Miles told him. “It’s got to be done anyway.”

“Good,” he said, glad that there was another layer of safety between the young engineer and plasma shock. He knew from experience that just telling people to stay away from things didn’t always work, though of course he told them anyway.

He and miles played darts for a few minutes in relative silence - as silent as anything could be in Quark’s bar, at any rate. It was a comfortable silence, for the most part, broken by the occasional noise of triumph or disappointment depending on how the darts landed.

Julian was enjoying the game, as he always did, both for the calculations and concentration required to seem “normal” as he played, and for the time spent with his friend. It was enjoyable, and familiar, and he was mostly focusing on the moment and the game.

Nevertheless, there was a part of his mind that was stuck on _do I tell Miles?_ and _what do I tell Miles?_ and _Miles is probably not going to bring up my love life, which is good but also slightly less convenient than telling Jadzia._ He could just not tell him, of course, but he _wanted_ to. There were so many things about himself he couldn’t share, couldn’t talk about if he wanted to stay safe. Now that he knew this wasn’t one of them, he didn’t want to keep it a secret any longer, even through casual omission.

In the end, he decided to just bring it up himself.

“Miles,” he said, aiming a dart into the outer edge. “I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Oh?” Miles asked, smiling triumphantly as he got a bullseye.

“Yes,” he said, fidgeting a little with his dart instead of throwing it. “It’s, um.” He gathered his thoughts again, centred himself. “Do you remember what Jadzia was saying, that dinner with the Captain a little over a week ago?”

Miles frowned, thinking. “You mean about her friend with the…” he made a vague hand gesture. “Romantic thing?”

“Aromantic,” Julian corrected him. “Her friend was aromantic.” He waited a beat, letting O’Brien process his words. “And so am I.”

“Oh,” Miles said. “So you don’t feel any… y’know… at all?”

“It’s complicated,” Julian said, but did his best to explain. “I don’t really want to be in romantic relationships, and don’t have that romantic pull towards people I keep hearing people talk about. But friendships are important to me, and I do feel the urge to befriend specific people sometimes.” He thought about explaining the _maybe_ sexual attraction but _maybe_ not, unpredictable and unreliable jumble he was calling grey-asexuality, but decided that he did have some boundaries, and Miles almost certainly didn’t want to hear about his sex life any more than Julian wanted to talk about it. Somehow the aromantic stuff seemed more important to him, more integral to his identity, and easier to discuss.

“I see,” Miles said. “And you’re telling me all this… why?” He didn’t seem upset, just a little confused.

“I just thought you should know,” Julian said. “It’s important to me.”

“Okay then,” his friend replied. A few seconds later he spoke again, pointing a finger at him. “But what about all the times you’ve seemed interested in people? Jadzia, and that girl from a few week ago, for starters.”

“Mostly, I was trying to seem normal,” he said. “I didn’t know there was a word for it.”

“I hate to break it to you, Julian,” Miles said. “But I don’t think you’re exactly normal anyway.” He was smiling as he said it, and the banter was familiar and reassuring.

“Oh, I don’t know,” he replied, smiling in return. “I think you’re just intimidated by my brilliance.”

“Well, Mister Brilliant, stop stalling and see if you can salvage your score.”

“Alright,” he said, lining up his next shot. “I’ll see what I can do.”

The rest of the game went exactly as all their others did, and yet it was somehow different. He was still playing below his actual skill level, still smiling and joking and watching Quark try to sell them overpriced drinks. Everything was as it always was, but he felt lighter, in a way, as though a burden had been lifted from him.

It was a good evening.

———

“What did you think of the story?” Julian asked, sitting down at their usual table in the Replimat with his tray of food.

“I thought it was an interesting choice of novel, Doctor,” Garak replied, looking up from his bowl of tojal stew. “The relationship between the protagonists painted romance in such saccharine tones that I can only assume it was a parody.”

“I’m inclined to agree with you,” Julian said, smiling a little at the look of surprise on Garak’s face. It _was_ nice to be the one confusing him every once in a while.

“Really, Doctor?” Garak tilted his head curiously. “Aren’t you going to defend the idealistic notion of romance and happy endings?”

“Happy endings are _nice_ , Garak,” he said, pointing at his friend with a spoon. “It’s comforting to read about people being happy. I don’t know how you could get by on just doom and cynicism.” This was an argument they’d had before, and could happily have continued, but Julian kept talking. “But the romance _was_ too much, after a while,” he admitted. “I don’t think it was supposed to be a parody, but it does rather read like one.”

“I thought that was what all humans thought love was,” Garak said. “Or at least, what you claim it is, despite all evidence to the contrary.”

“Not quite,” Julian said. “I’m sure it is to some people, though. There’s actually a lot of variation amongst humans, as well as between different species and cultures.” He paused, considering his next words for a split-second - enough time for his enhanced mind, but hopefully not enough that Garak would notice him hesitating. “Some humans don’t feel romantic attraction at all, actually,” he said.

“Is that so?” Garak asked. “I don’t suppose you know any of these people yourself, do you, Doctor?”

“Well…” Julian trailed off, knowing he had lost when he saw the gleam in his friend’s eye. “How did you know?”

“Doctor,” Garak said. “You have been rather like this novel - so overly earnest that your enthusiasm was either an anomaly or a parody. I merely made an educated guess as to which one it was.”

“Ah.” He felt suddenly nervous, and took a mouthful of plomeek soup to buy himself some time.

Garak’s face softened. “Doctor, I am getting the impression that this is a matter of some distress to you. Does the Federation’s fabled acceptance not extend this far?” His voice was teasing, but Julian could hear an undercurrent of seriousness.

“It’s not quite like that,” he said. “It’s more that it’s not a common thing, really, and people don’t learn about it so it can seem like there’s something wrong with you for not fitting in. I didn’t even know the words for this until several weeks ago,” he admitted.

He had been a little nervous about Garak’s reaction in particular, since his friend _was_ a Cardassian and he knew how different some of their cultural norms were, and in particular the value they placed on certain family structures. So far, though, Garak seemed to be taking it in stride, without any disapproval. He was hard to read, of course, but Julian knew him well, and Garak wasn’t the type to hide disapproval unless he felt it would benefit him somehow. On the other hand, he had gathered over the years that Garak wasn’t exactly the model of a perfect Cardassian, particularly not where family was concerned, so perhaps that had something to do with it.

“Well, Doctor,” Garak smiled, “I don’t know what the Federation believes, but as long as you still have room for friendship, I see no need for concern on my part.”

“Of course I still have room for friendship,” Julian said. “I value the time we spend together.”

He wondered momentarily if that was too forthcoming and direct to say to him, but really, some things were best said outright, as much as some Cardassians might disagree.

“As do I,” Garak agreed. “Now, Doctor, if I may return to our original debate?”

Julian nodded, accepting the change in conversation, and listened as Garak launched into an attack on the prevalence of happy endings in human literature. It was a familiar and well-worn argument, and one that Julian suspected Garak kept up mostly for show, since there was a sparkle in Garak’s eye that belied his actual words.

It was a pleasant lunch, and an engaging conversation, and excellent companionship. It wasn’t an ending, but if it were, it would have been a happy one.


End file.
